“Ok Tiffany, we need to pray for your brain so it remembers stuff.”
“I’ll try that with my wife someday. ‘Were you cheating?’ “No, I was looking, touching, kissing, but not cheating.”
“Tiffany, when I looked over yesterday, you were in a different world.”
“I dropped my sister all the time - not on purpose.”
“Sometimes paybacks are fun.”
“Mary was consumed, and out comes Baby Jesus.”
“It isn’t gay, it’s lesbian. Get it straight.”
(about Tiffany) “Someone follow her and watch her blow her nose.”
“This is weird, people, this is weird. Which means I have to read it.”
“Why date pigs? Date cows! Well, you could use any animal references here, anacondas, whatever.”
“I’ve never seen a black Swedish woman before.”
“You can pass gas as much as you’d like and I’d just say, ‘Good one!’”
“If I ever say something that’s mean and degrading, please tell me.”
“I’ve come to the conclusion, guys, that we’ll have to fly naked. Either a lot more people will be flying or a lot less . . .”
“I get sheer joy out of eating animals.”
“I wake up every morning with a headache – I’m married with kids.”
Andy: “I won’t shoot you, Mr. Brockhaus.”
“If you ban Westboro Baptist Church, then you’d have to ban nearly everything, including 90% of what I say.”
“There’s things more important than sports, for Christ’s sake, like girls.”
“To keep my girly figure, I don’t eat anything.”
“What if instead of having Adam and Eve, we had Adam and Eve and Mary and Julia . . . Wouldn’t it be cool if it was though.”
“Crocs are gay, bottomline, but that’s just me.”
Amanda: “How do you celebrate Martin Luther King day?”
Mr. B.: “I don’t know, chocolate cupcakes?”
“I get full joy out of telling my kids no.”
“Baywatch – that’s why we have illegal immigration.”
“You don’t want to see me with a gun . . . The first shot would be a warning shot.”
“We are not singing gay purple Barney songs.”
“Think about this people: truckload - makes sense, boatload - makes sense, buttload - doesn’t make sense.”
“If it’s general knowledge and I don’t know it, then it’s not general.”
“I love Sasges a hard time.”
“(If we teachers were to go on strike), we would take the principal hostage and say, ‘This is a list of our demands.’”
“I don’t think it’s right for a teacher to blow away physiology students who are flunking.”
“I’ll hug the crap out of you until I break your ribs.”
(To Brady) “Show me that nice sexy tie, which I do believe . . . is sexy.”
Mitchell: “Santa doesn’t go to India.”
Mr. B.: “Yeah, he passes right over. Dang Hindus.”
“Columbus High scares the heck out of me.”
(Prayer) “For the game tonight. I feel sorry for whoever we’re beating the heck out of. Sorry Lord.”
“I hope you sports people get to go outside to play and frolick.”
“Go hack a lougie on my truck – I don’t care.”
“I can make a mean, mean, mean, oven pizza.”
Thomas: “(High heels) help distinguish between men and women.”
Mr. B. “So men not having breasts doesn’t help?”
“I have to die before my wife. I have to.”
(Prayer) “I apologize, Lord, for going off on a tangent.”
“Prayer is always good, even if it goes nowhere.”
“Cats have no purpose on this earth. God placed them here as the spawn of the devil.”
“God understands. Whether He likes it or not, that’s a different story.”
“I’ll frame that. Mrs. Bernt actually spelled my name right.”
(About a mugshot) “It looks like he fell out of a redwood tree and hit every branch.”
“Don’t argue with the dictator of speech.”
“I let people spike my drink. I encourage it.”
“Put your chemistry away, or I’ll burn it. I’ll flambae it.”
“Andy, something needs to beat you within an inch of your life.”
“Teachers – you put a lot of us in a room and we talk about Jake.”
“I’m more of a Hillary Clinton hot person.”
Andy: “You didn’t pray for those sick, not feeling well.”
Mr. B.: “I don’t care for them anymore. Screw’em.”
“All those ding-dongs voting, ‘Oh, he’s a black guy, he’s the savior, he’s the Messiah.’”
“Black people are easily duped.”
“I’ll be that creepy old guy on the corner with a sign saying, ‘The end is near.’”
“I don’t like seeing myself naked.”
(When it’s raining) “Thank you God for the absolutely glorious day today – I’m hoping reverse psychology works here.”
(About spike bra on film) “I’m so doggone excited I’m ready to have an accident.”
“I wear my water wings when I take a shower.”
“As far as I know, no one in here is black.”
Mr. B: “(To Amanda) Don’t be a wise guy.”
Andy: “She’s a girl.”
Brady: “11 words? You jerk.”
Mr. B: “That’s Mr. Jerk to you.”
